I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
You took a bar mat shot.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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