I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
