listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
If I had your ass I would rule the world
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
