I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
