She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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