this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
