Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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