my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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