I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I looked at my own cervix.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
