my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
