I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
