I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
