i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
