How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
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