god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
