Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
