My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i dont even know how to be here
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I just found puke in my bra..
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Randomize
