my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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