I feel like abortions should bother me more
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
