Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
