After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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