the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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