NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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