god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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