dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
