That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
