One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
