im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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