Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
