Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
