I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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