Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
