Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
