R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize
