What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
