Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
