I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
