he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
