i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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