Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
