Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
