I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
handjob tips. give me some.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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