How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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