So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
