she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
