i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
