saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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