Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
