New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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