im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
